I was thinking today about just how weak I am and just how grateful I am to be so weak. That may sound like a backhanded comment but it is utter truth. For many years I tried to be strong. I tried to be the best at every single thing I touched. Perfection was my goal and if I couldn’t perform a task perfectly, then I was worthless, actually less than worthless, or so I used to believe.
That was a rough place to live. I relied solely on myself and how others viewed me as my source of strength. When I was having a good day, I was on top of the world but when I was having a bad day, I was at the bottom of a pit covered in schmutz. It was exhausting to live on that seesaw of strength. Copious amounts of negative self talk swirled in my heart and mind at all times. I fueled the negative self talk with my lack of perfection and the self talk grew worse. I got to a point of true self loathing and had a hard time looking at myself in the mirror.
By all accounts, anyone who knew me would have said I was a “rock-star” performer and was the best they had seen at work, in board meetings, at anything placed in my path. But, my oh my, they would have been shocked to hear my negative self-talk. I actually berated myself in such a harsh manner that I would be ashamed to type it here. Suffice it to say that my most common insults were Lazy, Inept, Dork. No matter how “perfectly” I performed by the world’s standards, it was never good enough for me. In fact, my lack of perfection helped fuel the negative self talk and kept me in a downward spiral filled with self-loathing and kept me cycling, in a hidden but, deep depression.
Then God. God wooed me through placement of loving friends in my life. He wooed me through Christian Yoga where I could breathe and rest in Him and Him alone. He wooed me through prayer counseling where I learned that I held unforgiveness against many others and myself. Even though I was doing everything I could to run from God and convince Him of my unworthiness He pursued me and made sure I finally discovered & understood His Love for me.
I finally understood. My worth had absolutely NOTHING to do with what I accomplished in this world. It had nothing to do with what people think of me or say about me. My worth had nothing to do with the size of my paycheck. It had no link to my ability, or lack of ability to perform perfect tasks. My worth was and is found in Christ and in Christ Alone.
He loves me no matter what. Nothing I do can make Him love me less and nothing I do can make Him love me more. He loves me to a fullness I cannot express or fully understand. Upon accepting that love and realizing that it is all about His love for me, I have been able to walk with Him and grow in Him.
He has shown me that my weakness is a good thing, because it is in my weakness where He is strong. As the Apostle Paul shared what God told him about his weakness:
2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV) “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
Amen! God’s power is made perfect in my weakness. This helps me understand that it isn’t about me, it is about God working through me. Meaning I don’t have to be strong. In fact, where I am weakest, God fills in everything that is needed. So, I will boast in my weakness in order to witness God’s strength.
In The Passion Translation the verse reads:
2 Corinthians 12:9 (TPT) “My grace is always more than enough for you, and my power finds its full expression through your weakness.” So I will celebrate my weaknesses, for when I’m weak I sense more deeply the mighty power of Christ living in me.
I like how this translation says both parts of the verse. God says that “His power finds FULL expression in my weakness.” YES – there is no better spot to be! Indeed I will “celebrate my weaknesses because it is when I am weak that I can better sense the mighty power of God.”
Pour on the weak-sauce and let me live in the Power of God! I no longer need to be the strongest, best, most amazing person I can be, under my own strength. Rather, I can be my weak self and let God take over. That will make me the strongest, best, most amazing person He wants me to be and that is all I want.
Are you feeling weak, dear one? Good! Turn your heart, mind and soul to the Only One who defines your worth and the Only One who can give you strength to keep walking in this world. Ask Him for His Strength and you will receive it. Don’t ask as a beggar but ask as a Child of The King in full expectancy. Then, celebrate your weakness and enjoy walking under the cover of His wings in His strength.
Love and Blessings – Pamela