Recently I have been undergoing a transformation, actually I think metamorphosis is a better word for it, because it has been painful. What kind of metamorphosis, you ask? I am breaking out of the cocoon of who I am “supposed” to be and I am discovering who I really am.

That might sound ridiculous for a 48 year old woman to say, but it is nonetheless 100% absolutely true. Be assured, this is not a ‘mid-life crisis’, this is a Real Life Journey.

I have been enrolled in a Life/Spirit Coaching program called Living Your Legend for about 9 months. This coaching helped me SEE things I didn’t realize were inside me. My eyes were opened up to a silent and silenced part of me I never realized existed. That’s all well and very good, but the difficulty comes in moving forward.

Once I realized I had been silent in many areas of my life for so long, I realized change HAD to occur. In many areas of my life I have been “who I was expected/supposed to be” rather than genuinely who I am and who I was created to be.

It made for a pretty life, and I wouldn’t say unhappy one, but it made for a hidden me in that life and that is where my course needed to be corrected. It has been a painful correction, for sure, but was necessary to continue or to truly start to live a full and vibrant life. A Mentor of mine, Mike Maeshiro, recently said this in a class I was in and it rang so true to me that I immediately started bawling. He said,

“An honest mess is more valuable than a pretty lie.”

Wow! Once I heard that statement I felt the truth of it and realized that I have been a “pretty lie” for much of my life. Now, to clarify, I had not been purposely living a pretty lie, rather I had been living my life the way I learned to live it, which was by pretending everything was always OK and by not revealing hardship I was going through to anyone (including myself). I specifically say “learned” rather than “taught” because this was not a conscious process of classroom or household training, rather it was something I picked up through the experiences of my life. I have realized recently that I picked it up at a very young age. I suppressed pain and heartache for what I understood/imagined was the good of others. I had been adjusting myself and my being to make sure I was not an inconvenience, that others came first and that I was everything they needed me to be.

They may sound quite altruistic – Put Others First – but the issue with that is, I lost me in the process. So, the true me is now breaking forth and it’s not always pretty. It’s a truly honest mess at moments…even an ugly mess at some points. Lots of verbal vomit that’s been suppressed for years is coming forth. Its not pretty, for sure, but the good news is that once the vomit is out, I can then take it one scoop at a time and address it, correct it and be changed moving forward. (My apologies for THAT verbal imagery – lol!) 😉

I recently attended an Inner Healing event (sort of by accident) and Uff-Da did my Bratty Side show! That’s something that never would have shown in the past. By “show” I really mean mainly on my insides, by acknowledging the yuck that was coming up and the white hot anger I was feeling. The only folks that actually saw “Bratty Pam” were my close friends traveling with me. I must say that THEY had never seen that side of me, so it was quite the experience for them as well. Actually – this little dinosaur is how they described me that weekend:

They were spot on because I felt like the little angry flared out dino pictured above. The emotions I was feeling felt bad and ugly and I hated all of it. However, I sat down in a solo place in the early morning quiet on the Sunday morning of that weekend and processed all of it with the Lord.

This poem is what came out of me that morning and I wanted to share it with you:

I don’t understand,

But I trust You.

It hurts and feels ugly,

But I trust You.

My whole personhood

is in pieces,

But I trust You.

My heart is shattered,

But I trust You.

Anger flares up

and I hate it,

But I trust You.

You’re revealing

deep wounds,

But I trust You.

You’re healing

those wounds,

And I thank You.

I think you are crazy for

loving me so much,

But I trust You.

That may not mean much to you, but that morning, with just me and Jesus, it was an outpouring of my heart to Him. I came to Him and fell at His feet and wept in full surrender. I didn’t know and still don’t know all the details of what He is doing in my heart, mind and spirit, but I trust Him.

After writing that I was drawn to read Song of Songs in The Passion Translation. I read Chapters 6 through 8 and I felt God’s Deep and Uncompromising Love for me as I read. It felt like a warm blanket of liquid love covered me from head to toe. I just sat and soaked it in. This final verse of Chapter 8, melted my heart:

Song of Songs 8:14 (TPT)

Arise my darling! Come quickly my beloved. Come and be the graceful gazelle with me. Come be like a dancing dear with me. We will dance in the high place of the sky, yes, on the mountains of fragrant spice. Forever we shall be united as one!

In that moment and in that space, I said “I DO!” to Jesus as His Bride. There was something sacred about that quiet moment in the hushed space of the hotel lobby and I won’t ever forget it. I even received a Beautiful Wedding Gift…a spectacular sunrise of pinks and purples and flowing clouds. I stood at the window and let it soak deep into my eyes and all the way into my heart.

Jesus is Awesome – that is an understatement – He really is Awesome and its not possible to understand His Ways. However, I choose to Trust His Ways because I know He loves me, without condition. He doesn’t love me when I get cleaned up, He doesn’t love me when I am serving Him, He doesn’t love me when I finally get it all figured out, He Loves Me, Period!

If you don’t know Jesus in this intimate fashion, I encourage you to lean IN to get to know Him. Fall into the love He has for you and you alone. Once you know that love from Him and how deep it runs, it will change EVERYTHING in your life.

Take the love plunge and say “I DO!” to Jesus – You will not regret it!