I am not who I used be, but I don’t know exactly who I am.

I’m not who I used to be, but I don’t know exactly who I am. I’m in between “me”s at the moment.

I’ve been packing up and moving out of old dusty spaces with inherited, disempowering & toxic beliefs. However, now I find myself seemingly unable to land anywhere to unpack any shiny new beliefs.

Do I need beliefs? Do beliefs define human existence? If I don’t believe in something, do I even exist?

These are the deep wonderings of my heart. They are quite far removed from my former uber Christian black and white thoughts. My wonderings have set me a sail on new deep waters. You might wonder if it scares me to apparently be a ship at sea without a port and I have to say, it’s quite the contrary, I’ve never been less fearful in my life. 

Lonely, yes, I do miss the community of my church family. But, as it turns out, when you don’t “do” church, the “family” goes away as well. I guess it makes sense, if you don’t see someone once a week, it is easy to lose touch. I was initially shocked by that, thinking my friendships were more than church-ships, but as time passes, I hear of other folks in the same boat and realize that’s just the way it is. 

But, fearful? No, I’ve honestly never been less afraid of things in my entire life. I’ve found my new port-less life freeing and love enhancing. 

My whole life I have been afraid of other people. Afraid of anyone whose beliefs did not line up with mine, which were, of course, the absolute correct ones, by the way. I was afraid they would “lead me astray” and if I kept company with them, I would be in danger of being lost forever. Well, in my port-less state I am no longer afraid of other people. Actually, check that, I’d say I am a bit afraid of toxic Christians because I see the hate filled rhetoric bringing active harm to others and to our American society at large. The power behind absolute certain bible based rejection and hate is terrifying so I am still afraid of folks that walk in that world.

What am I not afraid of? I am not afraid of anything else. Crystals your thing? Interesting, tell me more. Tell me how they have affected your life and how they help you manage your heart, mind and spirit. Maybe moons, stars and planetary movements fuel your being? Again, tell me more. I want to know how your life is enhanced by your beliefs in how our world rotates and communicates with other planetary entities. Maybe atheism is your bag. Fantastic, I want you to share your heart with me. Share your background, share your foundation, share your daily walk with the universe so I might gain insight into your beautiful being.

As I look back at that former paragraph, I am amazed at where I am in my journey right now. ALL of those things used to terrify me and cause me to pray for those who I saw as misled by those false gods and faulty beliefs. But, no more fear. I see those beliefs and many others as exactly that, beliefs. Each person is entitled to their beliefs and I no longer see my way as the only way. In fact, I don’t have a “way” now and I question why a way is needed? What is the “way” to? Is the “way” a means to an end? Is the “way” a means to control others and confine them to what someone decided is the correct “way”? Is the “way” a means to make sure people behave in defined little boxes so they don’t scare us? Puke – pukity – puke – puke!

The thought that anyone would try to control anyone else so they don’t have to be afraid makes me want to throw up on my shoes. I am so tired of fear and avoidance of fear being used as a reason to control others. Every single human on this planet is a fantastic and beautiful creation. Each of us are designed to shine in different ways and when we suppress that inner shine we end up crippled, sad and distorted from our purpose.

It’s incredibly disconcerting to me. I feel like we have a crap-ton of people on this planet who hate themselves. To me, that hate flows from a deep stagnant well within them that cries out to be let loose. That deep stank from pent up waters oozes out pores and stinks up a person’s personality. When we suppress that inner beauty our inner ugly comes out. Sure, we may not always look ugly on the outside, but poison is flowing within our beings and will surely kill us if we don’t start taking an antidote to counteract the negativity. It won’t kill us in a literal sense, but it will destroy the amazing person within and leave that person limping through life, going through the motions, living each day just simply breathing to death.

Why do I feel that way? Because I am one of the crap-ton of people who hate themselves. I have been stifled and suppressed my whole life. Often by others but sadly more often by my own hand and that really sucks. I don’t want to live a stifled life anymore. I want to walk in the beauty of the sunshine of me. I want to dance in the waterfall of a full life, living without fear, living in full love and shining as I was created to shine.

So, alas, I am a port-less ship at sea – noting each port off in the distance but not rowing towards any particular port because I want to freely choose my next destination. I want to freely choose  my next foundation. Perhaps my foundation will be set. Perhaps my foundation will be fluid. No matter what it looks like, I am going to allow myself to choose what my heart desires and what increases my love for myself and others. So, off my ship sails in the glorious waters of Pam, never again to be locked behind a dam, but allowed to flow as water does over rocks, through caverns and into the beauty of this world.

Love you dear fellow ship on the sea, may your love grow and increase as you set sail and loose your former anchors. I look forward to our free sailing on the seas.